What Christmas is this?

It is my second Christmas without my Dad.  My Mum has health issues that has her in and out of the hospital.  My first husband has been gone for many years and my little brother was dead when I was 21.

I am a happy person.  Ask anyone.  And I am also keenly aware of loss.  Mine and other peoples.  How do you let yourself fall in love with anyone or anything knowing that at any time the experience or relationship will soon be over.  You never get this moment back again.  This is it.

So I was asking myself, what Christmas is this?  A friend of mine brought up the concept of YTG.  So my years-to-go date that I picked for myself is 46.  When my years-to-goes are all gone I will be 92.  Not sure if I will live that long or if I even want to, but that is what year I picked.  And to be fair the good healthy years I have left are probably more like 30.  At which point I will be 76.

How many of us are thinking this way?  Does it make it easier to not just coast through life?  Most people live life like there are many tomorrows.  True says we really don't know.

This Christmas for me is all about relationships.  Starting with the one I have with myself.  A phase of my life is ending.  And if I get to create the next few chapters I do want them to be interesting enough to get up for (if you know what I mean).

What kind of interesting stuff can I get up to?  Well first a few minutes to myself.  Then I am sure it will start to percolate.  That is one thing I love about life.  There are no vacuums.  (As in the empty nothing space).  They always get filled.  And so I will flood my being with the images of my desires and see what starts to grow.

Sounds like I might be having some interesting conversations at the Coffee Shop this week.

Dar
December 2013