Saturday, May 7, 2016

Gone but the wake is still on the water

It's less than 3 months since my mum died.  And from some interesting turn of affairs I find myself the partial beneficiary of her property and her car and all of her debts.  Approx $77,000 to be somewhat close.

I learned of conversations that we had leading up to her death and I am now piecing together who said what and where things originated from.

A good friend sent me a few chapters of her book in progress on something she has termed Deep Age.  Somewhat like Old Age but that point where the person you now know yourself to be has long gone and some other thing has taken over your body and your mind.  

We all hope this will never happen to us.  And unfortunately sometimes it happens so slowly that we are unaware when we reach that point.  This is also a tricky time for family as they may question if it is still you in there.

You have been doing your life for many years. And if you have been lucky enough to take any personal development courses like the Landmark Forum you will be aware of the workings of a human being and how much of who we are that is automatic.  When you get old you think that "it" is all still working like usual.  You may say things like, "I've been doing this for years".  "I know this like the back of my hand". But at some point when Deep Age is working its roots into your mind you cannot keep doing your life the way you always have.  Weird things happen to your mind.  It looks the same but it isn't the same.  

I am so present to this phenomenon and I am mad and sad all at the same time.  
Mental illness took my first husband.  So I am familiar with people mentally leaving me before they actually physically die.  But it doesn't make it any easier. 

My wish is that my kids and my present husband know that I love them.  And when it comes time for me to slip into my Deep Age, should I live that long, I set them free.  Don't worry about me.  If I say hurtful things just ignore them and know that I love you. What else can we do?  

I like the idea of the little town in your backyard. Post office, green grocer,
hairdresser, dog wash, etc. All the fun stuff. And of course my favourite hang out, The Unfiltered Interactive Cafe!!!