The Reinvention

I enjoyed a 2 week vacation in Mexico from January 26th to February 10th.  While I was there I got a day to spend all to myself and I reinvented myself.  Not too much of a difference but some things became obvious to me in a way that it had not done before.
And here is what I created:

Dar Archibald - 

Relationship and Life Crisis Coach 

~ you won’t move without one.

Why did I say that?  Because in life we get comfortable with the way things are.  Even if we don’t like it the way it is, even if we really really want it to be another way, we won’t do anything about it until we have to.  

Now the good news is that we don’t have to wait for a crisis to occur as those ones are sometimes the most uncomfortable to manage. We can create our own crisis. 

Going through a crisis can be difficult and having your own coach to be available to guide you during this storm, whether self-created or not, is useful.  

Sounds pretty good don't you think?  So the crisis I noticed that I was in, although small, was enough to make me move from, "Gee, I really wish I could speak Spanish." to "Yo hablo Espaniol."  A little. Enough that I could ask "How much" or "Cuanto?" and a few other things to help us at a restaurant and while shopping.  

For someone like myself who really needs to know things, being in a country where I didn't speak the language was a challenge.  And it occurred to me as a crisis.  

noun, plural crises 

 [krahy-seez] (Show IPA)

1.

a stage in a sequence of events at which the trend of all future events, especially for better or for worse, is determined; turningpoint.

2.

a condition of instability or danger, as in social, economic, political, or international affairs, leading to a decisive change.

3.

a dramatic emotional or circumstantial upheaval in a person's life.

Ya gotta love a crisis.  It's a count-on-able way to get you from here to there.

Its that time of year again, clocks go back, one more hour of sleep.

We made it through our first year at the Coffee Shop.  The sales that used to make us feel so successful have become expected.  And things are running along quite smoothly.

I am writing a book, coaching clients to full self expression and getting what they want to out of life, being as supportive as I can to my mother who is in and out of hospital and trying to fulfill all the other roles I have in life.

And I am looking forward to one more hour of sleep.  I am sure there is more to life than sleep.  Being fulling alive in the world is great, and my experience right now is 18 hours days and being on my feet a lot of the time.

So where do I find time to nourish myself?  The Choir.  I've been singing with the choir for a little while now.  We had a concert last year, we sang at Rifflandia this summer and a new session just started.

I am also just completing my International Coaches Certification Training.  I sometimes wonder how much training one needs to coach.  I have trained for years now.  Since 2003.  I feel quite competent and there are always those doubts.  Or questions that I ask myself.   Should I use these tools?  Which ones would work best with this client.

I got to practice coach on my teacher today.  That was interesting.  I was aware that I was going in and out of "trying to do it right" and "being of service".

Eventually I think I would like to teach Coaches.  The thought of that excites me.  I will coach for a few years.  And enjoy my life a bit before I choose to pass the torch.

And I am also keenly aware that my grand kids are growing up quickly.  And I haven't spent a lot of time with them recently.  I guess life really does go in waves.  I am going to write a list of the things that I would like to exist or adventures to take in my life and then make a plan to have them happen.

What Christmas is this?

It is my second Christmas without my Dad.  My Mum has health issues that has her in and out of the hospital.  My first husband has been gone for many years and my little brother was dead when I was 21.

I am a happy person.  Ask anyone.  And I am also keenly aware of loss.  Mine and other peoples.  How do you let yourself fall in love with anyone or anything knowing that at any time the experience or relationship will soon be over.  You never get this moment back again.  This is it.

So I was asking myself, what Christmas is this?  A friend of mine brought up the concept of YTG.  So my years-to-go date that I picked for myself is 46.  When my years-to-goes are all gone I will be 92.  Not sure if I will live that long or if I even want to, but that is what year I picked.  And to be fair the good healthy years I have left are probably more like 30.  At which point I will be 76.

How many of us are thinking this way?  Does it make it easier to not just coast through life?  Most people live life like there are many tomorrows.  True says we really don't know.

This Christmas for me is all about relationships.  Starting with the one I have with myself.  A phase of my life is ending.  And if I get to create the next few chapters I do want them to be interesting enough to get up for (if you know what I mean).

What kind of interesting stuff can I get up to?  Well first a few minutes to myself.  Then I am sure it will start to percolate.  That is one thing I love about life.  There are no vacuums.  (As in the empty nothing space).  They always get filled.  And so I will flood my being with the images of my desires and see what starts to grow.

Sounds like I might be having some interesting conversations at the Coffee Shop this week.

Dar
December 2013

Since January so much has happened . . . We opened a Coffee Shop

I feel like I am in a dream.  A good one, thankfully.  We recently purchased a coffee shop, Street Level Espresso.  One that my family and I have known about for a few years. It has had a few different owners recently and now we are lucky to call it ours.

We are officially Perogy Cat approved.  Which for some of you that may not mean much, but to others this is good news.  When the coffee shop first opened as Street Level Espresso there was the Perogy Cat on the cups.  The story my daughter tells me is that a friend of hers brought her a delicious Americano coffee and the name of the coffee shop was not on the cup.  Just this cartoon cat that said "shoot film not heroin".  Being intrigued she headed out to find out where this cat cup came from.
And she found one of her soon-to-be favourite coffee shops in downtown Victoria.  The cartoonist of the Perogy Cat is Gareth Gaudin of Legends Comics and Books.

Now it is our family business. We have many drinks to please all sorts of pallets. Of course our focus is on great coffee.  Traditionally served in-house as espresso, machiatto or cappuccino in little cups of heaven.   For the non-coffee drinker, we have a simple but lovely Street Fog (aka London Fog) and an assortment of teas sourced locally in Victoria and from Kamloops.  Our special Root Beer Tea (Victoria) is a favourite of many. We also have other delicious non-caffeinated bevys.  Such as our Enlighten Chai Latte.  You must try it to believe it.

We carry Coffee from Discovery coffee which is Roasted right here in town.  The smell of it brings customers through the door many mornings and we also have an amazing decaf for a later-in-the-day coffee that won't keep you up. Also delicious.

I could give you a run down of everything we offer in the store.  But best to come in and have a conversation with one of our Baristas and see what you would love to try.

Our idea is to have our little coffee shop become a hub of connection for many people in the city.

See you there soon.

Dar, Dave, Sienna and Matea

I can see clearly now . . .

How many of us are aware of the fact that we are getting older.  Those of us over 40 are probably more aware than the younger folks.  I have noticed that as my parents aged their friends were all passing away.  And I was not looking forward to getting THAT old.  The old where your body doesn't work quite right anymore, you don't recognize yourself in the mirror and all your friends are dying; that kind of old.

Looking at my life now I realize that I already feel like I am there in many ways.  Many of the people I love or have loved have passed away.  To the point where if there is a heaven and all those people are there I think it may be better than here.

And so I look at why might I want to stay here on this physical plane.  There are many things that are worth doing and many things that are fun and frivolous.  Is there really a right reason?  I don't think so. One thing I love to do is to coach people and be with my family.

Since as long as I can remember, people have asked me for advise.  I don't know all the answers but for a while there I thought I did.  I have come to realize that there are some simple truths to life.  And that if you follow them you will be content if not blissfully happy.

#1. Suffering is caused from not choosing what is already happening.
#2. Speaking a future into existence is possible.  The right actions do need to follow.
#3. If you are doing something contrary to your heart, stop the action and choose again.
#4. Sometimes you can do it just because you said you would.  And for no other reason.
#5. Integrity works.

One of my fabulous coaches asked me a great question once.  It was:

Are you willing to give up what you want, to get what you can really have?

What is it that I really want?

To have a life full of freedom and fun.

The reason why it was a cool question was that in the WANTING of it, I am declaring that I DO NOT already HAVE it.

Now you can try this exercise out for yourself.  See if you can give up wanting it.  That thing you want.  And see what else shows up.  Stop putting it on your goal sheet. Stop striving for it.  Stop asking for it.

If you have trouble with this I am always available for coaching.  Of course you also have to ask yourself, am I ready, willing and able to take the coaching?  Some mind bending might occur.  You ready for that?

Tomorrow and the next day are coming. And they will pass.  You get to choose whether you want them to be the same as they always have been or if you would like them to be any different.

LDA 2013

What is it with Girls?

My project for life is to have Sexual Energy Acknowledged, Honoured and Celebrated on the planet by  2022.  I will be 65 that year.

Since having invented this future many things have come to my attention.  Namely how mean the Female Gender is to one another.  I am reminded of this on a daily basis as I read blog comments and do research.


There is a quote from a drawing in my cousin's book I remember reading when I was young.

It said,

Yes there is a devil,
Of that there is no doubt,
But trying to get in us,
Or trying to get out.

Where does all this cruelness come from?  Is in in us already?  Or does it get cultivated there and if it does, how does that happen?


Female Genital Mutilation is often done to girls by the women in their community.

I thought I would need to direct my attention to the men on the planet.  If I removed the issues that men bring such as wife beating etc. then the women would be safe. But my thoughts were misguided.  Where I really need to put my attention is on the objectification of anything, be it animals, woman, men, children, cultures, races and/or points of view.

Some women who wear the burqa are sad for the American women.  Why are we (North Americans) the ones who show everything and cover our eyes (with sunglasses for instance)?

Why is it that the media allows women to be seen on escort sites as long as they don't show their eyes?  How is this helpful?  Prostitution happens.  And then we regulate it to make the women more like objects?

Does it all start with how we raise or children?  Is it this fear that has us question each other?  Mothers are frequently bashing each others choices as we raise our children. There are so many platforms one can stand on.  Anti-abortion.  Anti-circumcision.  Anti-vaccination. Anti-Trafficing (children being sold into slavery) Pro-Life. Pro-Gender Equality. Gay Liberation. Women's Liberation.  The list goes on forever.  I am not saying that there isn't a need for people to stand up for what they believe in. I am just saying that allowing people to have their opinions even if it differs from your own is a difficult, yet valuable thing.

Why do we continue to question the motivations of each other?  As I think I learned from reading Gary Zucav's books we often criticize that which we inhabit within ourselves. Here is what was recently posted on the blog of quotes I AM, WE ARE

"If you are unconscious of an aspect of yourself; if it operates outside your field of awareness, that aspect has power over you.

 I have come to the conclusion that until I find and heal the fears in me that I do not know about, and those that I do know about, I will not be able to contribute much that will not be part of the many challenges we face – such as brutality, poverty, drug abuse, child abuse, abuse of the environment, and abuse of women, to name a few.

 Eventually you will come to understand that love heals everything, and love is all there is."

 I am afraid of people who point fingers.  I am aware that those who are pointing are often more the problem that the people they are pointing the fingers at.

So on this journey of having my project be fulfilled in time.  I am often confronted by things I did not expect.

When I started I figured it would be simple.  Men would look after women.  There would be no more rape.  And there would be no little girls who grow up thinking that sexual touching is a normal day to day occurrence.  I thought the problem was men.

I thought that if I became a foster parent and did my part to make a difference with little boys, then I would make a small dent in this large problem.

But I think that it is far more invasive than I know.  And I must say, I am afraid to find out the extent of it.

And as I sit here I am reading the most recent news of a woman who was gang raped while riding the bus with her male companion who was also beaten and thrown from the bus.   She died.  The outpour of support from both men and women is heart warming.  Why does it take such travesties to create this kind of outpour?

I do not know the answer and I am still wondering how this project of mine will come to fruition.

Are you with me on this one?

How will Relationships Look in the Future?

I once went to Flocks, the bird shop.  They hand raise little birds and know everything you would want or need to know about birds.  I didn't own a bird but they sold the hay and pellets I needed for my guinea pig.

One day I got into a conversation with one of the fellows there.  I had just watched the Pebble and the Penguin movie and was struck by the idea of choosing a mate for life. In the movie the penguin gives a stone to another penguin to signify that they are bonded for life.  And as we spoke about it he said to me, "Well yes, they do mate for life.  But they also have intimate relations with other birds."  I was shocked and interested.

One thing I have found difficult to understand about myself is my love for people.  And what seemed to be a conflicting desire.

I find the way that society views relationships is one person committed to another person.  But in reality.  It is often not that way.

Can any one person totally fill another's needs?  Who would want that?  This isn't to say that committed couples are bound to have affairs at one point in their relationship because these needs for variety must be met sexually.  Sometimes these needs can be fulfilled mentally.  And I am reading a book called Opening Up.  And there are examples of many different relationships.

A V.  A man with 2 women or a woman with 2 men.  Or a W.  2 men with 3 women or 2 women with 3 men.  So many different combinations and they are all relationships.  Permanent or Temporary.  They can all work.

Here is another way to look at it.  A friend of mine told me of her homestay person who was from Japan.  And what she said about relationships is actually very male oriented but could be taken from either gender.  She said, Men get married.  That's like rice.  You have it everyday.  You are happy with it.  But sometimes.  Men like noodles.  It doesn't mean they don't like rice anymore.  Or that they don't want rice anymore.  Just means they like some noodles sometimes.  And that makes sense.  Doesn't it.

Problem is, in society, there are no role models for this kind of behaviour.  The tabloids are full of "She was caught cheating."  "He was seen with a younger woman" types of stories.  What if we could just be with who we wanted to be with.  That it didn't mean that we no longer loved our primary partner.  That love isn't finite.  It is abundant.  And the more you share it the more you have.

Now how to we navigate these waters?  That is something to ponder.

Until next time
Dar

December 5th, 2012